WAR BULLETIN 003 / OPERATION PANTRY FREEDOM
Diplomatic Dispatch · General Headquarters
TL;DR — What actually happened
Our kitchen has pantry moths, and we’re preparing to deal with them. Reinforcements have arrived from three very different allied commands.
THE ALLIANCE EXPANDS
Following the General’s declaration of war, messages of support have arrived from from every corner of the alliance. Their military doctrines differ. Their diplomatic skills vary considerably. Their enthusiasm for dealing with moths is beyond dispute.
🥕 Bugs Bunny — The Carrot Accord
DECLARATION OF SUPPORT: The rabbit has reviewed the intelligence, opened a carrot, and concluded that the moths have made a spectacular mistake.
He offers decoys, tunnels, improvised distractions, and the unsettling ability to produce a mallet from nowhere.
Rules of engagement: The enemy must first be given every possible opportunity to embarrass itself.
🤖 The Terminator — Operation No Return
DECLARATION OF SUPPORT: A machine from the future has analyzed the pantry situation.
Assessment: Infestation risk unacceptable.
Mission: Protect the food reserves.
Negotiation protocol: Not installed.
It has requested a list of affected cupboards and is reportedly having trouble understanding why we own this much pasta.
👁️ The Daleks — An Unfortunate Alliance
DECLARATION OF SUPPORT: The Dalek delegation has recognized the moth infestation as a threat to orderly storage.
It has offered total operational commitment, provided all instructions can be issued at maximum volume.
Diplomatic incident: The Daleks immediately suggested that every species involved should be exterminated, including several allies. General Headquarters has clarified that this is a kitchen-cleaning operation.
JOINT COMMAND STATUS
Coalition formed. Coordination uncertain. Kitchen still infested.
The rabbit has stolen the briefing notes. The machine is inspecting expiration dates. The Daleks are arguing with the vacuum cleaner.
High Command considers this a promising beginning.
